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I Don't Hate You

by Ogbert the Nerd

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1.
Once again it's five in the morning and I'm alone on your porch couch 'cause I ruin fucking everything An angel opens up their upstairs window and beckons down to me "What's your fucking problem and why the fuck are you always like this? You're so bent about the past but you've got nothing good to miss" Oh no! I thought that there was way more to this, but I'm just getting over something. I never took it personally; all the hardcore "don't believe you"s No more concrete confidence, no more lying to you through your kitchen window I can't help it if I lose control I'll just keep lying to myself and say it's my dad's fault Oh no! I thought that there was way more to this, but I'm just getting over something and of course I'll think that a couple words could fix this and one day you'll be saying "I don't hate you, we just don't talk that much anymore"
2.
You say I talk too loud and everybody hates me here You don't know how much that means to me but then you kiss me in your driveway and then everything's ok. I almost forgot all those things I had suppressed until I left your house before you woke up Don't you dare say "good night" to me when you know that I'd never leave I wanna break away I got sick in your driveway. I'm sorry but sometimes things just end that way. (NO!) I always had the right words to say, but sometimes they'll just never leave my mouth; they'll just flood inside my mouth just like I said. I'm a cataclysmic summer story waiting to happen. I'm a frozen tundra that never reached its peak. What's wrong with me? I feel incredible. Sometimes I'm sick, but that's sometimes. I guess I need to learn things can't always go my way. Can you hear the voices inside my head? Do you wish you were in there instead? Get sick in your driveway. I'm sorry things can't always go your way. You'll never know how much this means to me.
3.
Could you knock me out? I just want to feel something for once. I always feel like I'm fucking up everything. I just want to feel like I'm doing something right; I'm trying! "It's such a big deal every fucking five minutes. Don't you ever just relax? Take some fucking aspirin and go the fuck to bed." How do I do right by you when I can't do anything right? I want to get behind your ideas but I'm always so fucking lost and the more that I talk about it... I just get so fucking worked up. I'm so fucking desperate for something else. It feels like I'm always falling. It feels like I'm always fucking failing. Now I'm pissed off and balled up on J's old couch about things that I can't do anything about. I'm wasting my fucking time. Pass me a fucking Blime. How do I do right by you when I can't do anything right? I want to get behind your ideas but I'm always so fucking fucked. The check engine light's been on for a while now and I'm slowly burning out. If I go off the road again, I hope that you'll forget me. I hope you'll forget my face.
4.
Bits of broken glass align the road in such a way that it almost seems as if this accident was poetic justice but I’ll still try to justify the things you say; You are asleep at the wheel piloting the ones you love. Another waste of time, another bite of time to unfold, and nothing to try. The weight and size of your globe is slowly but surely starting to kill me. It seems like locality has been a curse to me. I’m not trying to judge I’m trying to stay in love with a situation I can’t get out of. As your car door gets crushed, as hot blood fills my lungs, I’ll realize this was exactly what I wanted. Spat a sorry breath about how things haven’t been how they’ve been. I can feel the weight of my spine. But this is how it's been and how it will be, the list goes on, the list goes on and on and on and on. I’m not trying to judge I’m trying to stay in love with a situation I can’t get out of. As your car door gets crushed, as hot blood fills my lungs, I’ll realize it's what I deserve. There’s a soundtrack to my downfall in the backseat of my car. There’s a mistake in every encounter I’ve ever had. There’s a tremble every single time you try to reach out, but can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? I’ll keep telling you I’m fine. I know it’s gonna take some time but somewhere down the line we’ll all be fine.
5.
Hey fucker, nobody ever gave a shit about you do until they all decided that you're finally over it. I read your fucking "signs". We aren't like what we used to. Yeah, I get it, you're still sad. I just don't give a fuck. Let's say we've both been "fine" Let's say you moved out of that house but you brought your shit along anyway. Let's say we both found new and exciting ways to be "over it" but I don't want to dig at it anymore. A scab is a scab until you pry and pull it away. I'm not your fucking dead dog, man. I don't need your head pats or anything. Try as you might, you're still the worst everything. Why don't you try and pry something out of me again? You think you'll do better but you're flawed just the same. You think you'll do better but you haven't been there yet. I guess I could say that I never liked you, but my hands are both tied to that place off the turnpike but nobody lives there anymore. No, nobody lives there anymore, so get over it. I guess time could sort it out again.
6.
Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? All those nights when you've got no lights The check is in the mail And your little angel Hung the cat up by its tail And your third fiance didn't show Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name
7.
Uh oh. There goes the neighborhood just like you thought it would Before everything we knew started to fall apart. Go on grow up you’re an adult now. Don’t you want to make your parents proud at the expense of everyone you know? Everybody knows what we did alone and there’s no way of hiding from it now. This wasn’t important to me. Now I’m lying on your floor telling you what's on my mind because I just couldn’t hold them in anymore. What was the point if we both gave up? What was the point if we both think we fucked up and we can’t figure out what we fucked up on? If the neighborhood floods are you gonna drag me up or leave me to drown the way you left your friends? Do you think that I’m stupid? Do you think I’m weak? Do you think this is pointless like everything? It’s the way that I feel all the time! Do you feel how I feel all the right time or no...? Can you make it on your own?
8.
Snail 03:31
I found your copy of 'The Bell Jar' deep in my closet But I didn't have the mind to keep it I saw a picture of us somewhere in Canada But I didn't want it just hanging around You said you're so sick of hanging around But all you do is talk, talk, talk. I don't wanna hear it. Talk, talk, talk me out. You said you're so sick of living in New Jersey But all you do is talk, talk, talk. I don't wanna hear it. Talk, talk, talk me out. So I'll reach out into darkness trying to turn on the light You're not there, you're not anywhere at all. So I'll reach out into darkness trying to make things right. I finally figured you out somewhere deep within those pages you folded. I never had the mind to keep it. I should've fucking burned it. I saw A Painting of Us somewhere in Flemington But I didn't want to just hang around. You said you're so sick of hanging around But all you do is talk, talk, talk. I don't wanna hear it. Talk, talk, talk me out. You said you're so sick of feeling like a loser But all you do is talk, talk, talk. I don't wanna hear it. Talk, talk, talk me out. So I'll reach out into darkness trying to turn on the light You're not there, you're not anywhere at all. So I'll reach out into darkness trying to make things right. This is pointless I feel stupid Feels like I've been talking to walls again Talk me out.
9.
Everybody shut the fuck up for once I’m trying to make out the words that are coming out of your mouth But I can’t make it out Oh my God It’s here And I’m not ready for it Seven fucking months lead up to this Saying something beautiful To take it back; A minute passed And I'm still here Oh my god It’s here And I’m not ready for it I’m shitfaced on a roof in Philadelphia like... It seems like the entire world is fucking ending Make like mice run to the end of the world Gargling another secret language; wax poetics It starts to mean nothing Oh my god It’s here And I’m not ready for it It feels like the entire world is ending Right now
10.
Malkmus 04:01
I'm not scared of mountains. I don't think I'm scared of anything at all. Hyrdrochloric acid, won't you take away these lungs? They're no good for me anymore. I don't mean missiles but I can't keep talking shit about it. Yeah, I wanna change your mind, but I can't bring myself to call you. Yeah, I still have your number, but I can't bring myself to call you yet. Going over county lines between two jobs that I don't like. I don't care if you think I'm spent. I don't think you care about anything at all. Hear me breathing out? I'm not content with anything. Can't you see me standing right here? I don't want to know what you think about self imposed isolation. I just don't know what more to tell you. You think you're so far above me yet your feet are in the same shit I'm in. Stephen Malkmus said you can't quarantine the past, but oh my god you're gonna try. I just wanna change your mind, but I can't bring myself to call you, but I don't think you'll understand. No, I don't think you'll ever REALLY understand. Say how great you are and say how far you've come along, but I don't think we'll ever get along. I'll click my heels three times. I don't think I'm moving on. Hear me breathing out? I'm not content with anything. Can't you see me standing right here? I don't want to know what you think about. You keep saying you need time. I don't know what that means anymore.
11.
Twenty-Four 01:22
I wasn't there the day you died, but I showed up to your funeral with all the older guys. I lit a candle for you. I'm not religious but it felt true. God bless you. You would've been twenty four today, but you just spent your birthday six feet underground and covered by your favorite flowers from everyone in town and it kills me. I never told you how much you mean to me.

about

It begins at a party and it ends at a funeral. Everything in between is a pretty long story. It's gotta mean something.

Vinyl available through Sun Eater Records and Rat Brain Records

credits

released December 11, 2020

Produced and engineered by Ross Lane at Studio Six-Fifty
Mixed and mastered by Martin Trogani

Lyrics by Madison James
Music by Ogbert the Nerd
Additional vocals by Ryan 'RyGuy' O'Connell
Horns and glockenspiel on 'Snail' by Joe Scala
Album art and assets taken from 'You Alone In The Maine Woods: The Lost Hunter's Guide" courtesy of Appalachian Mountain Club Maine and repurposed by Madison James

Ogbert the Nerd is Madison James, Ross Lane, Shawn Ofray, and Matthew Renzo

For Mikhail, Gordon, and Matt P.

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Ogbert the Nerd New Brunswick, New Jersey

The only emo band in New Jersey.

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